As an 11 year old I was bullied, I was called things like “keg legs” and “tree trunk thighs” and this continued through my early years of high school.
At the age of 17 I started modelling; I did a lot of promotional work for big companies and events.
Sounds glamorous right?
Well, reality is I ended up with an eating disorder like many other teens. Bulimia said hello to me numerous times over many years, and I supplemented this with binge eating.
When it came to my body, restrictive eating and obsessive controlling thoughts were at the top of the list. – Not so glamorous…
With my life still unsteadily balancing on the edge of a cliff, I heavily partied my way in to my early twenties and after going through a traumatic break up I decided that I would shift gears again, finding a love for fitness.
As a personal trainer, I quickly got into fitness modelling, yet another excuse to control my eating and exercising.
Can you begin to see the deeper issues here?
What I see now is that I never felt enough as I was and on top of that, I didn’t really know who I was.
I was trying to use food and exercise to help complete me and give me comfort.
Even when I was at my leanest I still wasn’t happy.
I still wished for better abs or bigger shoulders or leaner legs.
Are we ever satisfied?
Well I can tell you, perfection doesn’t exist ladies!
So then came the weight gain! And lots of it!
I had no problems getting in the gym, fitting in my meals and workouts, heck I even trained twice a day sometimes…
A few years on, I went from a fitness model weighing 58kgs to a very unhappy inflamed 74kgs woman, with a list of health issues to go with it.
All of this happening in a short 5 week period – the joy (or pain) of rebounding after restrictive dieting.
You can only imagine what this did to me mentally.
Depression, anxiety, panic attacks followed closely behind.
I had lost my identity, my body!
It was through this time I got back in touch with my spiritual side and started to enjoy things like yoga, meditation and journalling.
However It didn’t end there, I went on to study nutritional medicine which meant that I continued to trial and experiment with numerous diets over the years (vegan, vegetarian, keto, paleo) you name it, like a test dummy, I tried them all.
By this time I was almost 30 years old and I really hadn’t found a way to really love and accept myself as I was, nor was I really living my life.
So what changed?
Well you could say I just had a shift on a deeper level, realising that this wasn’t actually living and that something had to change. I had spent so much time coaching others to have beautiful, healthy balanced lives yet I was struggling to fully accept myself.
Sure I had more days than not where I was content, but this wasn’t enough,
I wanted to be able to put my hand on my heart and say out loud, with absolute truth,
I love who I am.
…finally I can proudly say, I do this often!
Let’s get real here though – this change definitely didn’t happen overnight.
It took a heck of a lot of patience, working through frustration, tears (lots of tears), facing fears, hours of research and persistence to get here.
But it is possible. I am proof of it!
And guess what!
I can tell you it was all worth it!
I fell in love with me, the core of me.
I learnt who she was, who she was beyond her physical body.
Through this journey of self-discovery I learnt that I was far from alone. That there were so many women carrying their own BS stories around with them experiencing body hate and living from a place of unhappiness due to how they look and feel about themselves.
So now I proudly help empower and educate women like you to find their healthiest and happiest self.